Kevin awoke to his alarm
clock feeling as if he didn’t have time to sleep. He looked to see it
was 5:30 A.M. and turned off the alarm. He sat up from his bed feeling
renewed but slightly disoriented. He dropped to the floor where he laid
out on his back, put his knees into the air, and began to do sit ups.
He counted them under his breath until he reached twenty, then he rolled
over on his stomach and did twenty pushups, jumped to his feet and ran
in place for thirty seconds, did fifteen squat thrusts, then got back
into position for more sit ups. He did seven more cycles before he
stopped just after the last squat thrust. He rolled onto his back for a
moment to catch his breath.
He looked under his bed
where he saw it was empty and smiled. He was pleased that there was no
clutter, no extra belongings hid somewhere. He had gotten himself
organized six years ago before he started high school and he wasn’t
going back. He sat up, pushed himself from the floor and stripped off
his clothes, dropped them in the hamper and stepped in front of the full
length mirror. He was happy with his body for once. His belly and the
padding of baby fat on his face were gone.
Everything
was in its right place, he told himself. He went to the middle of his
room and sat, crossed his legs and assumed his best meditative form. He
liked to meditate naked because it felt like his body was the most
open. He thought about the day before and everything he had done. He
thought about the things he needed to do. He thought about where he had
to go, the people he would talk to and deal with and among those people
was Thad.
Thad was only minutes away, would be waiting
for him on the corner to go for a run. He smiled. No, he told
himself, be in the moment, put all those assumptions away somewhere. He
had thought it through but life wouldn’t happen exactly that way.
Embrace the chaos, he told himself.
There was the sound
of his phone telling him he had a text message from Thad. Was he
running late? He waited until he felt himself calm down, then he opened
his eyes and got back to his feet. He retrieved his phone, just a good
morning message telling him Thad was five minutes early and missing
him. He smiled and deleted the message before he put down his phone and
went to get his workout clothes from the drawer: a thin pair of shorts,
t-shirt, jock strap, and cup. He pulled the jock strap up, placed the
cup inside. He looked at himself in the mirror and was delighted
because he never thought four years ago he would take pride in his body
and exercise. He finished dressing, put on his socks and shoes, made
his way out of the quiet house.
He checked to make sure
he had his house key tied on a string around his neck, that it hadn’t
been pulled off while he slept in some accident or fit of rage before he
closed the door and made sure it was locked. He did ten jumping jacks
before he dashed down the stairs and across the lawn. He got to the
sidewalk and turned. He picked up his speed in anticipation of seeing
Thad.
Suburban, colonial style houses that had been
built over a hundred years ago, the rest of the neighborhood was still
quiet. Only a few mothers and fathers were awake, maybe the poor soul
delivering newspapers, garbage collectors and people headed to work knew
about this time and many of them probably didn’t appreciate it. He
liked this time of the morning, something few people ever knew about
because most of them were still asleep. Although there would be fewer
of them with Fall approaching but sometimes it felt like only him and
Thad as they ran the streets and through the park. That made it easier.
He
spotted Thad on the corner in the grass stretching his legs and
smiled. The man was possibly twenty years older than him but fit and
good natured unlike any other person his age. He could be disarming,
took an interest in people like when Thad had been impressed that Kevin
was a conscientious eater and exercised regularly. Kevin felt
comfortable admitting to him that he struggled with anorexia in high
school until his parents got him a therapist who got him a personal
trainer. He learned about food and exercise the right way, he said.
They
had talked for a long time about food and work. Kevin had just begun
his internship but he was eager to find out how the newspaper worked.
Thad had told him he was in the photography business for over a decade
feeling that it would scare him but Kevin was intrigued by his career.
They talked any chance they got. They met frequently on breaks and
lunch. Kevin asked him about his previous life and sometimes Thad told
him about what it was like as if he wanted to have it again, as if they
could have it together.
But even as comfortable as they
were with each other coming out was still a process. Finally, after
weeks of talking Thad admitted that he had broken up with his long-term
boyfriend before moving to town. Kevin sat in silence for a long time.
He knew that each had suspected the other was gay but not wanting to
offend each other they assumed the other was straight, neither of them
even in these days wanted to risk offending the other by making some
assumption. Kevin had never told anyone his own secret but then he just
said it.
“I haven’t had a boyfriend yet but I’m looking forward to it.”
They
both looked at each other and laughed suddenly feeling ridiculous for
not recognizing in the other, for being afraid of saying something for
weeks. After that it became more comfortable until Thad asked him to go
jogging. Kevin felt himself being excited about the idea. Was it a
date? Was it the beginning of a relationship? He found himself
flirting with the older man if even only accidentally or unconsciously
until he recognized what he had done, what he had said. Thad noticed
but said that he was afraid of being in a relationship with someone so
young, but that was months ago.
Kevin came to a stop a
few feet from Thad after signaling to each other a hello. He began to
run in place. He looked up and down the streets but there was no
traffic, a few inside houselights were on. He signaled for Thad to get
ready.
“How are you this morning?” Thad asked.
“Good,” Kevin said. “How are you?”
“Old,” Thad said.
“Better hurry then before you get any older. Last one to the park has to pay for lunch.”
Kevin
began to run away towards the park and Thad gave him a lead before he
dashed after him. Thad got close enough to make Kevin look back. Each
let out a laugh before they doubled down and began to run as hard as
they could. They were even when Thad reached over and slapped playfully
at Kevin’s arm. Kevin tried to slap back or at least keep him away.
It was a long run into the back of the neighborhood to the park, a
preservation, the as of yet unprocessed trees.
Kevin
felt as if for once he was leading when Thad stopped playing and gave it
his all. He pulled ahead of the young man for just long enough that he
touched the park sign first. Kevin slowed himself enough, ran into the
sign and let out a laugh.
“You’re too much,” Thad said.
“I think we’re both going to be tired today for work,” Kevin said.
“At least you’re only there for a few hours.”
“So are you,” Kevin said.
“Oh
right, well, it’s nice to not have a good job I guess. Hey that
reminds me do you want to help me at my studio on Saturday? I’d pay you
something under the table, say twenty bucks and maybe a piece of
pizza.”
“Yeah sure,” Kevin said. That would be a good
way to earn some money, maybe they could find some time to do something
else, but then he reminded himself of where they were. He signaled for
Thad to follow him.
“I don’t know how I let you talk me into this,” Thad said.
They
walked into the park, along the familiar trail. Down one path, then
off on another, and yet another going in a direction few walkers ever
went. Kevin signaled with his head for Thad to follow him along a thin
path through the trees. They had fooled around in different spots all
over the park, mostly kissing and groping.
He moved
on impulse, searching out some perfect spot. He walked until he felt
far enough away so they wouldn’t be seen. They stopped to catch their
breath, to listen and make sure no one else was around and they wouldn’t
be disturbed.
Kevin looked to the older man, stared him in the
eye before he pulled off his shirt and threw it to him. Thad shook his
head as if he was shaking away guilt before he pulled off his own
shirt. Kevin let his shorts drop, stuck his thumbs in the waist band of
his jock, ran them between the fabric and his own skin, moved his
thumbs down to the straps where he toyed with them, toyed with Thad’s
desire.
“You’re naughty,” Thad said.
“Maybe we both are,” Kevin said.
They
listened for a moment to make sure no one had heard them. They stepped
to each other with their hands slightly out anticipating the touch.
They reached for skin at the same time. They were simultaneously
delighted by the feel of their touch and being touched.
They kissed.
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